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Post by amxdreamer on Mar 4, 2019 19:54:49 GMT -8
A baby seal walks into a bar The bar tender says what will you have The seal says anything but Canadian club
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Post by PHAT69AMX on Mar 5, 2019 19:58:52 GMT -8
I don't drink any more... ( "hick"... ) but then again... ( "hick"... ) I don't drink any less... ( "hick"... )
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Post by stickshifter on Mar 7, 2019 13:07:19 GMT -8
An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name. 'Fred,' he replies. 'Fred what?' the officer asks. 'Just Fred,' the man responds. The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?' The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.' The officer walked away in tears, laughing
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Post by Captain Awesome on Mar 7, 2019 18:11:13 GMT -8
One time Gary Coleman said to me "I really hate that Bruce guy in those "Die Hard" films!" I said "What, You talking about Willis?"
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Post by stickshifter on Apr 26, 2019 3:26:38 GMT -8
An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h in 30,000 feet, when suddenly a Eurofighter with Tempo Mach 2 appears. The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus flight, boring flight isn’t it? Take care and have a look here!”
He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, only to swoop down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the Airbus and asks, "Well, how was that?"
The Airbus pilot answers: "Very impressive, but now have a look here!"
The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. It continues to fly stubbornly straight, with the same speed. After five minutes, the Airbus pilot radioed, "Well, what are you saying now?"
The jet pilot asks confused: "What did you do?" The other laughs and says, "I got up, stretched my legs, went to the back of the flight to the bathroom, got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon cake and made an appointment with the stewardess for the next three nights - in a 5 Star hotel, which is paid for by my employer. "
The moral of the story is: When you are young, speed and adrenaline seems to be great. But as you get older and wiser, comfort and peace are not to be despised either. This is called S.O.S.: Slower, Older, Smarter.
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Post by stickshifter on May 3, 2019 16:08:19 GMT -8
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Post by sc397 on May 15, 2019 8:13:04 GMT -8
Seems like a reaction that Dr.Drunk would have..
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Post by stickshifter on May 27, 2019 14:14:00 GMT -8
A Queensland Police officer stopped at a farm in Maleny, and talked with an old farmer who was working on his tractor. He told the farmer, "i have suspicion that there is cannabis growing on your property and I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs right now." The old timer said, "Okay officer , but please don't go in that field over there.", as he pointed out the location. The Queensland Cop verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the State and Federal Government with me !" He instantly opened his police wallet to produce his badge and arrogantly displayed it in the farmers face. "See this badge mate?! This badge means I am allowed by law to go wherever I wish.... On any land! No questions asked! Do you understand ?!!"
The farmer nodded politely, apologized, he continued working on his tractor. A short time later, the old farmer heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the cop running for his life, being chased by the farmer's big Brahman bull with the biggest horns in town...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old timer threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs..... "Your badge, show him your BADGE!!"
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Post by stickshifter on Jun 15, 2019 4:11:18 GMT -8
First-year veterinary students were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving an animal's body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger into the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and, sucked on it.......followed by assorted gagging, retching and spitting.
When everyone had finished wiping their faces, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life is tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."
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Post by amxdreamer on Jun 16, 2019 13:53:49 GMT -8
lol
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Post by 69Rebel on Aug 5, 2019 17:23:13 GMT -8
"So, did he lose his sponsorship with Snap-On?"
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Post by spud on Aug 18, 2019 20:06:11 GMT -8
Pretty good scam assholini had. Not only was he stealing tools from snap on and ebaying them, snap on was sponsoring his car.
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Post by n2ojoe on Oct 8, 2019 7:10:07 GMT -8
A woman is in a coma. Nurses are in her room giving her a sponge bath.
One of them is washing her "private area" and notices that there is a response on the monitor when she touches her.
They go to her husband and explain what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband is skeptical, but they assure him that they'll close the curtains for privacy; besides, it's worth a try.
The hubby finally agrees and goes into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat-lines... no pulse... no heart rate.
The nurses rush into the room.
The husband is standing there, pulling up his pants and says, "I think she choked."
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Post by amxdreamer on Oct 8, 2019 20:09:55 GMT -8
^^^LMAO^^^
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Post by 69Rebel on Jan 17, 2020 21:57:18 GMT -8
So, a guy checks into a seedy motel in the rough part of town. He tells the desk clerk "I'd like the porn channel in my room to be disabled." Clerk sez, "we only have regular porn ya' freak!".
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