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Post by stickshifter on Jan 22, 2019 4:51:19 GMT -8
When you are 70.............. I was standing at the bar at the VFW one night minding my own business. This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?" I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?" She said, "Yeah, I got a pen". I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you." Cost me 6 stitches...but, When you’re seventy..............who cares? ********** I went to the drug store and told the clerk "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please." Lady Clerk: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?” I said "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....." When you’re seventy.............who cares? *********** I was talking to a young woman in the VFW last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.” I said, “If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.” Cost me a fat lip, but... When you’re seventy.............who cares? ********** I was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts. "Really" she said, "Go on then.. Try." After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?" said, "Yesterday." Cost me a kick in the nuts, but.. When you’re seventy..............who cares? ********* I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in. When you’re seventy..............who cares? ********** I went to our VFW last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table. I said, "Good legs." The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?" I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now." Cost me 6 more stitches, but.. When you’re seventy.............who cares?
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Post by 67roguexcode on Jan 22, 2019 6:00:37 GMT -8
Oh boy! Is this what we have to look forward to, now that you're retired?
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Post by spud on Jan 22, 2019 7:43:52 GMT -8
I can handle more of that. 😆
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Post by stickshifter on Jan 22, 2019 9:13:12 GMT -8
Oh boy! Is this what we have to look forward to, now that you're retired? Is that a problem? ;-)
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Post by stickshifter on Feb 2, 2019 16:44:27 GMT -8
A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the highway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but... Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1,000 an inch." The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."
The man agrees to talk with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?" "I have," says the man. "And what is the decision?" asks the doctor. "We're having granite counter tops installed"
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Post by 67roguexcode on Feb 2, 2019 19:48:43 GMT -8
There you go... now that was better. I think you're going to get the hang of this retirement gig.
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Post by Captain Awesome on Feb 7, 2019 11:30:16 GMT -8
My Son sent me this. I have no idea how he knows this is true.
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Post by spud on Feb 8, 2019 8:48:32 GMT -8
Lol. Zactly!
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Post by stickshifter on Feb 12, 2019 11:36:08 GMT -8
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"
The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, Norma Findlay, Room 302." The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow." The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good News."
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"
The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me shit."
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Post by Captain Awesome on Feb 27, 2019 13:40:33 GMT -8
I have a friend of mine who's gay, so out of curiosity I came straight out and asked him "What made you turn gay?" He said "Well, when I was 12 some guy followed me into the woods and had his way with me" I said "Why didn't you just run away?" He said "What?....In high heels?"
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Post by stickshifter on Feb 28, 2019 19:38:19 GMT -8
Your DUCK IS DEAD
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$1,500!" she cried,"$1,500 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $1,500."
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Post by 69Rebel on Feb 28, 2019 22:40:15 GMT -8
Rimshot! ^^
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Post by Captain Awesome on Mar 2, 2019 8:49:20 GMT -8
Stole this from Greg H
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Post by 67roguexcode on Mar 2, 2019 8:58:37 GMT -8
Priceless!! That's a keeper.
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Post by Captain Awesome on Mar 3, 2019 22:53:00 GMT -8
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